Anger is a normal and healthy emotion, it is perfectly healthy to feel angry when someone you love has abused or wronged you, but when it becomes constant or explosive anger or gets out of control, it can have serious consequences for your marriage. your health and your mood.
If you are the temperamental one in your relationship, it may feel like it is out of your hands, it is your nature and there is little you can do about it. But you have more control over your anger than you think. Once you know WHY you or your spouse are keeping it, you can find different ways to approach it. This is what I will share with you today, so that you can save your marriage and avoid divorce.
Why Anger Exists and Persists in Marriage – Marriage Counseling
1. PUNISH AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT
People maintain anger to punish someone, either with their bad attitude or with actions directed by anger, and by doing so, they feel that life is fairer. The angry mentality is “If they did something wrong to me, it is unfair that they are not punished.” But if you punish someone with your anger or bad attitude, you are only creating more punishment for yourself, since it is not like that. It doesn’t feel good to act without love or to be spiteful. Guilt often follows angry outbursts, and guilt is a horrible feeling.
The key to remember is that our role is not to create punishments for others, especially our spouses, that anger does not make things fair …
2. TO TEACH THEM A LESSON, SO THAT THEY DO NOT DO IT AGAIN
The second reason many people get angry is because they want to teach their spouse a lesson, so they don’t do it again. A form of retaliation for the behavior they did in an effort to prevent the same thing from happening. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t work.
If you look at your own life, let’s say you do something that you are not proud or happy of and you get mad at yourself and feel guilty about it, you may feel terrible inside but nothing changes, right?
Let’s say you eat too much fried or sugary food, spend too much, drink too much at a party, or do something else you don’t like. Getting angry at yourself doesn’t help you, it makes you feel worse, which in turn can lead to more unhealthy behaviors. If you really want to change, you need positive motivators for lasting results, not blame or anger, and look for a replacement for anger management and habits. This is how you change behavior. The same applies to your marriage. Getting angry won’t help you change and it certainly won’t help your marriage.
If you are kind and compassionate to your spouse, you have a much better chance of influencing him than getting angry, and he is less likely to turn you around. The next time someone hurts, show compassion, and explain the impact on you and your feelings, it will be much more effective in changing the behavior.
3. GET WHAT THEY WANT
Another reason we get angry in relationships is the FALSE belief that if we get angry we will get what we want. The mentality is “if I get angry, they will do what I want them to do” or “if I scare them, they will back off.” This is using anger as a form of manipulation, to achieve something that does not help save your marriage. it causes hostility, anguish and pain.
We tend to learn this from our role models growing up, parents, teachers and other elders whom we look up to, often at some point they got mad at us, so we behaved and did what they wanted us to do. This is a disaster for the marriage, true power does not come from intimidation, it comes from positive influence, otherwise all you will achieve is disrespect and potentially love.
It is much more beneficial to be kind and compassionate to get what you want, as that creates a greater willingness to listen and adapt.
4. TO AVOID GUILT, MISSING AND DIVERSION
Another damaging way that silence or angry outbursts can be used in marriage is to walk away from the issue at hand. In my marriage counseling sessions this comes up a lot, where a person makes a complaint about something they would like to change and instead of being listened to as well, their partner turns it around and blames it, either for the way they said it or Why did he do it. the attacking charges return. Anger at avoiding, diverting, or blaming will not save a marriage, it will crush it like no one can ever be heard. It can help to sit down and agree with your spouse the difference between what is retaliation and what is defending yourself, the latter should never hurt the person and retaliation does.
You may be wondering how this can help me with my marriage, well if you both learn to recognize the root of your anger, show remorse, and make attempts to repair the damage, you will be well on your way to saving your marriage by recognizing where it came from. of and why is the first key step to change. The next steps are to look for ways to cool down, detect and change your triggers and tips to stop it in the moment, which I will cover later.