I am really getting tired of the witch hunt in the US targeting smokers. No, smoking is not attractive, nor does it smell good, and it is disgusting, and it is downright unhealthy for everyone when done indoors. However, there are many other nasty little human habits that, if smoking is the goal, need to be addressed as well. One of those disgusting human garments is flatulating in public.

There is nothing as gross as the idiot who gets on the elevator and farts. Now tell me it’s not as unhealthy as smoking. If I have to hold my breath to climb 18 stories, I’m most likely suffering brain damage from lack of oxygen. Another one of my favorite pet peeves is the woman (and sometimes man) smelling like the scent of an inappropriately blended and overpowering perfume. The cost of running water in a shower is cheaper than the gallons of perfume that some people insist on using in public to cover the need for a good body shower. And personal habits aside, let’s address the prevalence of diesel SUVs that stink up the air every day.

In the great state of California, lawmakers have invented loopholes designed to allow anyone to drive massive vehicles that not only pollute the air to the point of unhealthiness, but also exploit fossil fuels, are a hazard to sensitive vehicles on the road. and they take up two parking spaces to half of one required by my small car. While allowing anyone to drive a vehicle so large they need their own ZIP code, California has decided that it is now illegal to smoke a cigarette on the street.

If special interest and allowable pollution weren’t bad enough, another problem has slowly worked its way into the California mindset: restaurants, public businesses, and accommodations that allow cats and dogs. It does not matter that a large part of the national population has developed allergies to dogs and cats; Cats and dogs are showing up in places that shouldn’t have cats and dogs: restaurants. You can be sure my dollars won’t be spent at a restaurant where I might have to sit next to a dog drooling over my lunch.

Pets are slowly taking over the world. Forget about the human population, it’s all the spare cats and dogs that will end up as masters on this planet.

Both dogs and cats have long been the staple of cartoon illustrators; useful tools that are drawn with movable mouths that say such witty things. However, we all know, yes, even those who have not had canines and/or felines, do not speak. Not a word. They do not order food with linguistic ability. They can practice extreme body language, like pet charades, they have their way of letting us know that we are nothing more than human can openers. However, they do not articulate anything other than what are known as “bark alerts”.

You know the bark alerts; that annoying thing where Fluffy 5 doors down can see a squirrel out the back window and start barking. Soon, Spot, who lives next door to Fluffy, sees the same squirrel and takes up the cause. When Fluffy stops seeing said squirrel, Lance, who lives next door to Spot, now envisions the big chase and picks up where Fluffy left off. And so on until every single dog in the neighborhood has announced the presence of the bushy-tailed rodent. And this isn’t so bad, unless of course the dogs reside outside and start the chorus while you try to examine the inside of your eyelids for light leaks.

Oh, and dog walkers are another problem. In most places there are laws about how to pick up after your dog. Dog walkers roam the sidewalks with plastic bags tucked into their clothes so they can pick up Muffy’s droppings from your front lawn, but only if they think you or your neighbor may have seen Muffy drop them off by the mailbox. As the neighbors proudly walk their miniature poodles, their bichon frizes, their yorkshire terriers, I wonder, “Oh, wither the noble wolf?” Is it any wonder then that the wily coyote has taken to subterfuge, can’t bear to be associated with the useless, hairless Chihuahua? And no amount of smart talking Chihuahuas will make me crave Taco Bell.

In San Francisco, California, the bastion of single, parentless humans, dogs are the status symbol. There are more dog accommodations made in high-end restaurants, boutiques, and bistros than there are for human inhabitants. Yes, you might want a Gucci dress that’s more expensive than a Rolls Royce and you can take your dog with you to make sure the matching couture dress you buy for Fluffy fits her. To me, this is disgusting! I don’t want to spend so much money on an outfit only to find out once I get it home that it’s trimmed with dog hair. And why aren’t dogs made to wear shoes and shirts when they go to that trendy restaurant on the corner? Damn I have to wear a shirt, if they can be served without one why shouldn’t I?

On the island of Tarawa in the South Pacific, the dogs are called Kang Kang. Roughly translated, kang kang means “tasty dog.” And at this rate, a dog food might be easier to come by than, say, a salad. A friend of mine married a Kenyan man named Mike. Once they arrived in the United States, Mike was obsessed with the amount of space devoted to pet food, supplies, toys, and accessories available in every grocery store he went to. In Mike’s words: “In Kenya, we have only recently stopped eating stray dogs.” Here in the US, we take the cause of dogs above population with ‘Walk A Thons’ that raise money to microchip and sterilize cats and dogs. No matter how many homeless people live under the bridge, cat and dog fundraisers make it possible to be hip. while the community observes these good deeds. Look, no one knows or cares that you gave that bum on the side of the road an A, other than the bum who might use it as a place to crash for the night. The bums that live under the bridge don’t lick your face when you come home at the end of the day.

Do not take it bad; I don’t hate dogs. I have had dogs. Dogs have served many purposes in the evolution of mankind. They have hunted with humans, protected humans, and been transported for humans. But their day as co-hunters has passed. And in all but the most remote Arctic outposts, dogs don’t help humans transport themselves from one place to another. In fact, due to multi-dog households, the mighty SUV has supplanted the humble automobile on America’s streets. But dog ownership has moved onto a new plane, one that speaks more to pedigree than safety or companionship.

Now, I have barely touched the cats. People generally don’t walk their cats. Cats are like pillows with fur, pillows that are placed in various poses throughout the house. First on the couch and when it’s covered with an inch of hair, they retreat to the bedroom or your pillow. double pillows…

Cats are basically nice cute creatures credited with eliminating rodents (no bark alert) and my cat would NEVER eat an endangered songbird! No, my cat only comes out at night, when the birds are asleep, therefore it cannot be a danger to anything other than mice, voles, other cats….

On the other hand, pet bird owners are a much smaller group than dog and cat owners. Why this would be, I don’t know. After all, cats and dogs can’t say “Wanker” to the neighbor’s kids. Although both cats and dogs can be observed engaging in the sport of masturbating, neither can announce their intentions to masturbate. And trust me, a parrot that can say “Wanker” to the five-year-old next door is an asset to a person’s peace and quiet. Parrot ownership is a tenuous relationship. And it has its ups and downs. First of all, a parrot is not owned by a human. The parrot owns the human. If you have a parrot, chances are you have no life outside of cleaning poop off expensive and well-loved shirts.

It is the master plan of creation that insects and rodents were created to feed on parrots. Every morsel of food a parrot eats ends up to varying degrees on the floor, in the curtains, in the hair of the human partner. Only to be followed shortly by insects that are attracted to it.

The advantage of having a parrot in the house is that it can amuse its human companions in a wide variety of ways. For example, you might say “Little shit” just as your mother-in-law joins you at the dinner table. And parrots are much less likely to ask for food. Just drop whatever you’re eating into a parrot dish and you’ve got a delighted friend. And just like you and me, parrots really enjoy sitting in front of the TV eating junk food! Also, don’t complain about programming.

In the long run, as our human habits shift to exclude anything remotely resembling pleasure, we replace those habits with signs of our exclusivity and acceptance by our pets. Or the size of our vehicles, or the smell of last night’s food that was left stealthily in an elevator when we left.

I suspect these circumstances are just another form of NIMBY-isms. It’s really okay for me to be handed nasty human clothing, because it’s MY clothing. But you can bet I won’t stand for YOUR disgusting human habits… now put out that cigarette and take Muffy for a walk.

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