This weekend, millions of families will celebrate Mother’s Day. Some of us moms will enjoy breakfast in bed, special brunches, or maybe delicious hugs and heartfelt cards from our kids, both young and old. Perhaps many of us will inadvertently be hurt by our AD/HD children, triggering another sense of loss and disappointment, because they…yes…forgot to pick up a card or flowers. Or in some situations, unfortunately, even the phone.
Last night at 8:00 pm my flight from New York landed at the Detroit Metropolitan Airport. I had been gone for almost a week, longer than I had ever been from my family before, and I returned with mixed feelings. My travels took me to the ADDA conference in Orlando, where I presented “Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD,” then to New York City, where I was part of a media event to discuss FDA approval of a new AD/HD med-a patch called Daytrana.
Those of you who are mothers of AD/HD children might understand this mix of guilt and relief that I was struggling with. Even though I knew my daughter with AD/HHHHD was in good hands during my travels, I couldn’t help but wonder how many times she had forgotten her lunch money. Or if she had remembered to shower and brush her teeth. I was worried about what school papers were lost.
In the back of my mind during this time, I knew Mother’s Day was slowly approaching and I couldn’t help but think: am I glad to be away from home? Away from the daily stress of raising a child with AD/HD (and in my case, other significant special needs?). The combination of guilt and relief nearly consumes me. So I decided to take the opportunity -Mother’s Day- to reflect on this and share it with you. Maybe you will relate.
Personally, I don’t think mothers get enough positive feedback or support for the challenges they face on a daily basis in raising their children with ADHD. But even without AD/HD, for that matter! Here’s a sample of a typical parenting day for my daughter, Mackenzie. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
It’s 7 am My daughter, who doesn’t sleep well, has already been awake for an hour and a half. Fortunately, my husband, also an early riser, has made sure that she takes her medicine and has given her some breakfast. The bus is here. My daughter runs around the house looking for her shoes, she runs out without her jacket, she runs back to get her backpack, but she still forgets her jacket. Of course, we already have systems so that all of her things are in ONE place so that this does not happen every day. However, she still does it.
7:30 am I have her IEP sitting on my desk to sign. It took me 6 months to get it right, but I haven’t signed it off yet because I forgot to add a goal/objective that I think is important to his school success. Do I sign it anyway? Or drive the teachers crazy with my new concerns?
1:00 pm I email their teachers to check on how things are going. This is a weekly ritual. Without him, you wouldn’t have much of an idea how you’re doing. Why? Mackenzie also has a language problem on top of her memory problems and AD/HD, which makes it hard for her to tell me about his day or what work he’s doing. Or what supplies she may need to bring to school.
1:30 I found out from a teacher that she has significant difficulty remembering to bring her papers and books to class. That prompts me to check and see how many pills he has left in the medicine cabinet. I’m horrified, we have two doses left. I call her doctor for refills and pray she’s in the office.
3:00 pm Leave the school. Where are the papers for me to sign? They are already lost. I ask her how her day was and she’s already physically and emotionally through seven hours of “staying cool” and she walks out of the kitchen and quickly logs on to her computer to unwind from the stress of her day. Study after study suggests that children spend too much time connected to devices; they need to be outside playing and exercising. Guilt hits. However… as a severely hyperactive child, she moves more in an hour than most in 3 days.
17:00 It’s time to think about dinner. Wait, did I mention that I also have ADHD and find it next to impossible to plan daily dinners? Add an AD/HD child (or two or three) to the mix, and your food options are extremely limited. Some children could eat cold cereal every night and be perfectly happy. As moms, we feel compelled to fit the perfect mom mold and try to conjure up ways to give our picky eaters foods that are healthy. Mackenzie, like most children with AD/HD, is exceptionally demanding. My guilt buttons are pushed again when I serve him another dinner of macaroni and cheese, with a side of peas. She turns down the peas, again, but luckily she accepts a piece of fresh fruit. I’ve been given a little emotional reprieve from this bit of healthy food that I’ve been able to get her to eat.
19:00 I check his backpack in search of the VIPs (very important papers) from the school. My hands get dirty from the half-eaten sandwiches floating in that duffel bag. The papers are crumbled with their fists and remain at the bottom. I take them out and find that two are already due for my signatures. The good news is… there is no homework! I insisted on her recent IEP that all homework be done at school. Getting my son to do his homework after working so hard all day became impossible. Hanging out on her every day only created tension and anger between us. Unlike most children, she does not typically or consistently learn the consequences of her behaviors. So getting her Es from the incomplete homework does not motivate her to do it at home. School staff told me that she was empowering her by not enforcing homework. But they do not live with this child. She just can’t DO it at home. For me, having a healthy and positive relationship with her was far more important than the daily chore of World War II. My IEP team was mad at me, but I didn’t budget.
9:00 PM Bedtime routine begins. We use reminders. We use schedules. We rarely change routines, knowing how difficult it is for her to get back on schedule once it has been changed. Even for a day. However, like every night before, there are the complaining, the slacking off, “just one more TV show, Mom,” and worse… the mood swings. Transitions from free time to bedtime are horrible, even with smooth transitions TO transitions.
Tonight is shower night. Now most girls her age no longer need reminders to take care of their hygiene. Mine needs compliments. We are both completely exhausted by the stress of the day. However, they are not finished yet. Again, he doesn’t always learn from the consequences of his behavior and doesn’t care if he goes a week without showering.
10:30 pm Your bedtime meds are long overdue (insomnia is commonly seen in children with ADHD and is not always due to stimulants taken much earlier in the day). She’s limping in a stupor, so exhausted, but her body and her mind still can’t shut down. She ignored her, knowing that when she’s tired enough, she’ll go to bed. But I’m wrong. Again. She’s distracted, she’s impulsive and she can’t bring herself to finish the night. I need to intervene once more.
11:00 p.m. She’s asleep. For the first time since 3 PM, I’m off duty. But MY mind doesn’t shut down for a few more hours, because *I* need some downtime that isn’t interrupted by the chaos of raising an AD/HD child.
Mother’s Day is just around the corner. We will go out for lunch and I will watch the euphoric mothers, with their young showering them with attention and gifts. Some have much more complicated and difficult stories than mine, but I will still struggle with the mix of guilt and happiness, thinking: am I a good enough mother to this very needy and challenging child?
© 2006 Terry Matlen, ACSW All rights reserved