I often hear from wives who have strong suspicions that their husband wants a divorce. Sometimes they will tiptoe around the problem as long as they can because they are afraid of the answer if they ask about it directly. However, over time, wondering about her husband’s true feelings becomes very old. Sometimes you get to the point where you would rather have an answer, even a negative one, than keep asking yourself. Many wives will eventually reach a point where they will directly ask their husband if he wants a divorce. And not all husbands will give you a straight or even honest answer. In fact, some choose to remain silent.
I heard from one wife who said, “I finally worked up the courage to ask my husband if he wants a divorce. And he just looked at me and sighed. He was silent for several minutes. When I pressed him, he finally said he just didn’t have a answer for me in that second. What does this mean? Why would he stay silent? A part of me thinks he just doesn’t want my feelings hurt or that he’s planning a strategy or getting these financial matters in order before he ask me for a divorce. I will try to address these concerns in the next article.
A husband who is silent or doesn’t answer when you ask him about the divorce may not have a definitive answer to give you right now.: Sometimes husbands are silent because they haven’t made up their minds yet. Just like you, they may have many conflicting emotions and may be confused. Therefore, many will delay giving you an answer about a divorce because they are not yet sure if they want or will seek one. And they would rather delay than give you an answer that may be rushed or invalid.
It may be a good sign if your husband is silent about his wishes for divorce: Many wives will see their husband’s indecision or silence as cause for panic. They will assume the worst or assume that her unwillingness to deny that she wants a divorce means that she is just delaying the inevitable or planning her next move. This may not be the case. Some men who want to get divorced will have no problem sharing this directly with you. Many wives who contact me have husbands who repeatedly tell them that he not only wants a divorce, but that nothing else will be acceptable to him.
So, as frustrating as your silence is, understand that at least you don’t have a definitive answer that says divorce is imminent. And this means that you could have time to save your marriage. I know that having things up in the air can be frustrating. But sometimes, it’s the state of being up in the air that means your marriage still has a chance.
How to handle it when your husband doesn’t give you any answers about the divorce: I suspect you may be waiting for me to give you some advice on how to get your husband to make a decision quickly. I’m afraid my suggestion is more in line with setting it up so that when her husband makes a decision, it’s the decision she expected rather than a rushed decision.
To that end, this will often mean that you’ll need a bit of patience and that you’ll need to approach him from a place of association rather than a place of impatience and fear. Instead of asking her why she can’t just hurry up and make a decision or tell her how unfair it is to leave him hanging, she could say something like, “It hurts that you’re not automatically denying that you want a divorce.” “That said, I prefer that he take the time he needs and then give me a hasty decision that he doesn’t really mean. His reluctance tells me that we have work to do in our marriage so we can both be sure we want to stay committed to him.” “I am willing to work tirelessly on our marriage to show you that it can be one you have no doubts about anymore. I think the foundation is still there. We just need to strengthen our foundation and start building again.”
Note that at no time did this conversation put pressure on him, although I recognized that the whole process was painful. Also note that I did not imply that I was going to wait for him to make a decision before beginning to try to rehabilitate the marriage. Also, I proactively approached him instead of panicking. I hope you can see a difference because this can really matter.
Many wives pressure or rush their husbands and then are very sorry because their husband feels he has no choice but to make a hasty decision to go ahead and seek a divorce. Now, with more time, understanding and rehabilitation, he may not have gone down that road. But some wives will become so eager for an answer that the husband doesn’t feel he has the luxury of a well thought out choice.