A man’s death is more a matter for the survivors than his own.
~ Thomas Mann,
the magic mountain
A eulogy can be even more daunting to write than an obituary; with it you not only express your own pain and do your best to distill, encapsulate and articulate a lifetime, but also help guide others through the loss you share.
Unlike obituaries, eulogies are meant to be read aloud, while a transcript of the eulogy is sometimes available later online or in a scrapbook. This is a challenge for many people; Not all of us feel comfortable speaking in public. There’s also a knock to writing something that’s meant to be heard and read; sometimes things sound very different than they look on the page. While the obituary may just be a few facts, a eulogy ideally has an arc, a trajectory: a beginning, a middle, and an end: who your loved one was and what life was like with them; what it is to lose them; what they left behind for you to take into the future.
First, sit down and make a list, either alone or with family members, of the characteristics that define your loved one: strong, generous, devoted, insightful, talented, funny, empathetic, never left hungry, always picked the perfect gift , you taught the meaning of honesty.
Next, write a few words about which parts of you are most closely related to the deceased. What did you share? Are you brave for having met the deceased? Gentleman? Did they guide you, guide you, save you, teach you, change you? In what part of your life will you feel the loss of him most acutely?
Then think of some specific memories, stories that exemplify your loved one and the kind of life they lived.
Even if this person wasn’t easy to define, you should start to see a bit of a core theme: a quality or set of qualities that are really at the core of who they were: a caretaker, a teacher, a thinker, a breath of fresh air. , an example for all of us.
When you have all of that in front of you, it’s time to start writing.
Happiness is beneficial to the body, but it is injury that develops the powers of the mind.
~Proust,
The past recovered
The language of grievance is harsh and beautiful, devastating and uplifting. With her we mourn those who have left us, and we also celebrate her life; through it we learn to better appreciate our brief time here among those we love. These are the moments – and the words – that change us.
There’s really no set structure to a eulogy these days. It is a completely free art. Start with what you think will strike the right chord, and then experiment with the dynamics, the ebb and flow of emotion within your speech. You can start strong and then work back, for example, or start soft and build from there. The things you say can have a profound effect on your listeners: you can break the surface tension of their grievance so they can express it and seek each other’s comfort, then help them find moments of lightness where the first tendrils of hope and healing it can begin to unfold and intertwine.
Try to keep your sentence structure simple and conversational. Many people use higher language to mark momentous events; you can do that too, just don’t get overwhelmed with words you don’t use very often. You want it to be comfortable to read and listen to. Some people write every word; others simply write a list of talking points to stay on track and use a more informal, stream-of-consciousness style.
You’ll want to try to stay under five minutes unless you have a compelling reason to go longer. Time is strange and stretchy when you’re in front of a crowd; sometimes it’s over before you know it, but it can go on and on and be very difficult to fill, leaving you unfocused and uncomfortable. As you write, read it out loud often, in front of someone if you think that will help, or in front of a mirror if you want to keep it private, and try to estimate how long it will last. Rehearsing out loud will also help you hear words or phrases you might have used too often and help you identify monotonous or singsong vocal patterns. It is also useful to practice on video; you can take a step back and look at yourself from another perspective, which can help you see and hear all sorts of things you didn’t get from the inside.
Just as a precaution, you may want to have someone else, preferably someone who isn’t as deeply emotionally invested, perhaps a family friend, ready to pick up the slack and finish reading if you’re overwhelmed. You probably don’t need it, but its presence can be reassuring.
Don’t feel like you can’t be light-hearted or even funny. It is important to change the mood and tempo at all times. Be honest. If you’re angry, if you feel cheated, say so. If you feel hurt, say so too. Take your listeners on a journey: acknowledge their pain, remind them to cherish happier times, give them the strength to carry on. Remember the things that brought you joy, the iconic and defining moments, what you will miss most about your relationship with your lost loved one. Those who live in our hearts and memories can last forever in our words.
You can add quotes from literature and history if you like; there are voices throughout the centuries that have perfectly described our feelings, distilling them into something lyrical and fine. They can add great elegance and depth to a monument.
What is to stop breathing, but to release the breath from its restless tides, so that it can rise and expand and seek God without hindrance?
~Kahlil Gibran,
The profit
Now: Many people face a problem that is difficult to discuss but very real and quite common. How do you praise someone with whom you had a painful and jarring relationship? What if you’re in a position where you’re forced to talk about them even though you feel like you don’t have anything nice to say?
There’s no way to help you get over a lifetime of baggage with someone in the time it takes to write your eulogy, but that simple act could be a great way to start. At the very least, there are a few things you can try to help you get it over with.
First, although this experience may be incredibly painful and difficult for you, remember that the compliment is not about you; it is about the dead and it is for the living, for all who feel the pain of this passing. You may not be able to forgive, but healing and great dignity can be found in generously paying back.
Try to look past the difficult things to your good qualities. It can be something small; maybe they had a great singing voice, or they made delicious spaghetti, or they kept their garage very well organized. Can you expose those aspects of them?
If not, try turning directly. Think of it as a way of being nice to your listeners, to help them have this easier than you. Rather than ‘false’, perhaps this person was ‘full of imagination’ or a ‘great storyteller’. Not stingy but ‘frugal’; ‘stoic’ instead of ’emotionally unavailable’; not stubborn: ‘iron will’. There are often moments of black humor in the midst of pain; this exercise may be the source of some of them.
But maybe that’s not the way you want to go. Maybe you need to be honest and clear: “Most of you know that dad and I haven’t spent much time together in the last few years. It’s because we didn’t agree on much, and after a while we found out that we loved each other better since childhood.” distance”. It is very likely that there will be others who will relate. You don’t need to be brutal; you’ll feel better about it later if it doesn’t, and the truth is often painful enough even when handled gently.
If you have to say things that are hard for others to hear, try to balance it with whatever positivity you can. Perhaps your hurtful relationship with your mother is what makes your connection with your sister so deep. Perhaps the difficulties you have been through are what make you your so deep; maybe the pain you’ve suffered is what made you strong, taught you compassion. shed light on those truths too. Were it not for suffering, the human spirit would never know triumph.
End on a hopeful note if you can. Grief is dark and heavy, but it also has beauty. Life is precious because it is short. Death comes for all of us; what matters is how we spend the time we have, what we leave behind in the hearts, minds, and lives of others.
Great grievance is a divine and terrible radiance that transfigures the unfortunate.
~Victor Hugo,
The Miserables
Praise help at a glance:
1. Who were they?
2. What was the most important thing about them?
3. What will you miss the most?
4. How did they change you?
5. What was their effect on the lives they touched?
6. What do you want the world to remember about them?
7. What did they leave behind?
8. What can we learn from his life?